I thought this would be a good day for me to share a little bit about myself. You've seen bits and pieces of my life, but that's not even a fraction of it, my friends. I definitely want this blog to really be me. I don't want to write about things or post things, just because I think that'll make other readers like my blog. I truely want this blog to just be Allyssa, so today, you're going to get deep in the heart of Allyssa.
For the last 5 years, Christmas time has really been bittersweet for me. I've had a great loss in my life, and been through an experience that has forever changed me. In 2008, a few months short of my 20th birthday, I lost my dear mother. If you've grown up with me, then you know that my mom and I had a really close relationship; she was my best friend. You would also know that losing my mother was something I feared my entire life. My mom didn't suffer any major illnesses growing up, so I really had no reason to be so fearful of her dieing, but I was always terrified of it. I think deep in the heart of everyone we all have a fear of our parents passing away, because we know it's something thats inevidable, but I'll tell you that nothing can prepare you for the moment you hear those words. Nothing can prepare you for the deep,deep hurt and pain that you suffer after losing a mother--especially at the age of 19.
What I am here to tell you is that even through all the hurt I've experienced, God's peace has held me through all of this. I've experienced the comfort, love, and hope that I have in Him, my glorious savior. I'm not saying that I haven't had moments the past 5 years where I sat at my mothers grave, bawling my eyes out, wishing I could talk to her about the daily things in my life--the amazing boyfriend I have, someone I know she would love for her daughter. I wish he could have met her, and that's a part of me that he'll never know, and that's a really hard thing. I wish I could lay on my bed and watch back to back episodes of Gilmore Girls with her again. To hear her laugh, because it was the most contagious laugh I've ever heard. She was a little petite lady, but boy you could hear her from across the room. She was beautiful, and her smile lit up a room. She was a mother to all my friends, and the person that several of my friends would go to for advice.
I miss her. Everyday.
You know what's so awesome, though? The Lord has promised us that He'll work all things together for our good, and you know what? He's used this. He's used my mom's death in so many ways to grow me as an individual, and to lean on and trust in Him even more. My life has forever changed without my mother in my life, but I've come to know a new "normal". The Lord has provided me with so many Godly woman in my life that has brought me in as their own; teaching me how to sew, bake, and guiding me in the way of Christ. Christ's love has just poured out on me the past 5 years, and I've experienced the peace which passes all understanding that's talked about in the bible.
God doesn't promise us that we won't go through hard times, and that we won't exerience pain. Look at Job in the bible. He experienced a ton of pain! But God's there for us when we need Him, and he really will carry you through it all--no matter what it is. With Christ, we are capable of making it through difficult times. We are able to experience heartache, but feel the peace of God all at the same time.
While I'm missing my momma this holiday season, I'm overjoyed by the grace the Lord has given me. God has done so many great things in my life, and it is only through Him that I'm able to experience true joy.
I rejoice in Him, because He is worthy of all my praise.
Thank you for reading this, friends. I'm really loving getting to know you guys, and to be able to share peices of my heart with people from all over the world. I am so blessed.
Me and my mom snuggled up in my zebra blanket. October, 2007.